Came home from the psych about half an hour ago. Had a very interesting session. It was intense, and I don't mean it like before, when by "intense" I meant exhilarating. This time it was extremely tricky: we delved into something that has been a huge deal for me in terms of self-esteem.

I won't go into detail because this is not exactly a private blog; I will say that in summary, it was all settled by the fact that I have to learn to forgive myself, and to accept that my struggle did not come with the easiest of challenges. Also I was told that regardless of how some things in particular may be interpreted, the only affirmation of the real self is the actual person. There are some circumstances that bring about results that may be mistaken as tangible proof of a person's worth. And it is for this reason that I have to understand that at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what these things "reveal": those who know and love me (enough) will know better than to use these things as basis for the kind of person I am.

It seemed like a pretty basic thing to know, and it's a bit ironic because I have always prided myself in not caring about what other people think of me. Apparently, there are some areas where I am dead scared of being seen as anything less than the person I know myself to be.

Anyway I have a long way to go, and I only wish that those willing to take me for who I am, do. May they understand that things (and people) don't fix themselves overnight, and it is during these circumstances when patience is needed. I for one am trying to surpass my own issues, and there is nothing that would help me more than encouragement and acceptance from those who love me. I am in the process of fixing myself, and I would want nothing more than to be given my own time to do so. It must be known that I do not like to be rushed, and that I come around in my own time.

As for the things that -- as the doctor revealed -- I am embarrassed with, these are merely pieces of evidence of what I went through. They are not reflections of who I am; they are merely fragments that speak of how I came to be who I am. It is because of this that I have been told to understand that everyone has their own insecurities, and that in time I have to learn to not be embarrassed of what I went through, and the things they resulted in.

At the same time, I guess I have to give people a bit more faith, and confidence in their ability to accept me and where I came from. I guess I'm not the only one who looks for confidence in others. Even those from whom I look for acceptance, most probably want my trust in their sincerity as people who genuinely love me.

Currently feeling: scared