boonchee

It amazes me to no end how fast news spreads, especially when the news involves people.  You really don't see it coming.  The next thing you know, you're rummaging through every corner of your recollection, trying to make sense of the situation once it reaches you.

I'm not that clear with what happened, but it surprised me nonetheless.  And now I'm on edge, trying to figure out exactly what it is this thing has done.  I just don't trust people when they say they're fine.  I have to see it for myself.  And it doesn't help that pretty soon my paranoia takes over and it starts to (probably) cloud my perspective.  I hear the words "I'm fine,"  a few minutes after I feel fine myself, and afterwards I again start to feel unsure, and I start asking questions again.  

I'm not holding it against people if they want to keep their actual feelings to themselves.  But dammit, it sure makes me unsettled.  In some level, I wish that they would come out and tell me if something is bothering them, especially if whatever it is involves me.  But I know too well how it is to want to shy away and pretend that you're fine because you want nothing more than to either deal with things yourself, or not deal with them at all.  Or maybe they're telling the truth and they ARE ok, nothing's bothering them, and I'm just being an irritating little bee that buzzes in their ear nonstop.

So I'm stuck.  I can't keep asking "Are you ok?" because it comes to a point where I myself just want to tape my mouth shut and hang myself by my toes up a streetlamp somewhere.   But at the same time I get soooo paranoid and soooo rattled, and I stay that way the entire day that I completely fail to take care of my responsibilities.  And I just can't leave it alone (or IT won't leave ME alone).

Great.  I'm messed up again. 

boonchee

WHY does it follow me around?!  It's been years, and now here it is, injected into one of the few sanctuaries I have found for myself. 

I canNOT sit still.  What the HELL is it doing there?!  Shiiiit!  I can't even think straight, and am surprised that I'm still able to form at least half-coherent sentences right now. 

And here comes the hurt I thought I've long left behind . . .

Why did he do what he did?  Was it because of what I think happened?  Where is he?  Why isn't he here with me, and why isn't he in the poetry groups I'm in?  We were supposed to evolve together as writers. 

Why the HELL did he have to send it in?!  Now there it is, plastered on the net for me to stumble upon (or in this case, for another person to stumble upon and shove in my face)?

God.  I can't sit here, I have to smoke, drink, sniff rugby, jump off a cliff somewhere, anything . . . 

Currently feeling: aaaaaaaargh!!!! :(

The things I have to deal with are starting to pile up, and I think it's time I took care of them one by one.

I don't even know how to start with the thing I recently posted about, so I'll leave that for last.  

But regarding something that I've been trying to decide on, I think I'm going to have to stop putting off acting on it and just do whatever it is I have to do.  The problem is, I don't quite know exactly what it is I should do.  

People have told me over and over to just forget about him and go on with my life, because he's the type of person that nobody should waste time on.  I completely understand where they're coming from, and I share the same sentiments.  But the thing is this was one of the things I never really chose to deal with.  Sure it was just a two-week thing, but that's not the point.  The point is that this is something that I have to close.  One way or the other.  For good.  Just like what I told him, I just leave things alone.  Heck yeah, that really DID show him, but I've been thinking:  maybe this is one of those monsters that don't get killed by chants and curses.  Maybe this is the kind that I have to actually face in order to slay.

Maybe I SHOULD meet up with him and talk to him face-to-face.  But should I do that, I'm going to have to gut up, get tough.  Not at ALL as easy as I'm making it sound.  I have to admit that there's a slight chance that I might get pulled in, but then again, that's actually up to me, isn't it?  

I've almost never let anyone tell me what to do, but I guess when I think about it, I sometimes let myself get carried away by other people's . . . "influences" and I eventually decide to do the foolish thing.  I try to be tough, God knows I do; but there are some instances where I just can't help but submit.

Dammit, this is pathetic.  I think I've made my decision:  I'm facing it.  Fine, bring it on, let's get started, and let's see where this takes us.  Time to bury this whole thing permanently.  Even though I could do that without actually meeting up with him, there's something in me that's saying I still have to put him in his place, wherever his place is.  And that requires more that just me saying over chat "I just leave things alone."  I have to bite the bullet and confront him.  And I have to TELL him whatever it is I will realize is needed to be told.    

Yeah, that's it.  At least I think that's it.  I choose not to be a coward.  I ran away from something like this a year ago, and now it's caught up with me, and I'm at a loss as to what to do.  I'm not running away from this one.  I'm facing this bastard, and I'm dealing with him personally.  Screw the silent treatment, that's for pansies.  And I choose not to be one any longer.

Come on, set the date, man.  Time to get this whole "I'm so confused" thing over with, one way or another. 

And as for YOU (just in case you're reading this): fine, I'll trash the whole "repressed" thing.  I'm dealing with you too.  God knows I have a LOT to say.

Currently feeling: battle mode (hehehehe!)

My brother has another gig tonight, 8:30 pm at Freedom Bar.  And of course, I'll be going, not only because he's my brother and I want to show him that I support him, but because I already missed his previous gig earlier this week. 

From the looks of things, I'll be doing the UP Fair thing again: I'll be going alone.  Ah well, it's cool   The point is that I get to go.  I'm sure I'll be fine, I mean I got through the UP Fair concert, where for some freaky reason I always, ALWAYS found myself caught in the middle of a moshpit, regardless of where I stood.  I was beginning to think that I should just stay where I was and just find something to grab on to   It was an interesting experience though, dodging water bottles, cd's, inflated condoms, and people flying through the air. 

I guess I better be getting ready.  Can't miss this one, I just can't.