How could this have happened? Again? What the hell is it with me that makes these things a regular occurrence?

I'm not going to elaborate on it because I'm not even sure if I want to think about it. But all I know is that I got gyped, again.

God. It hurts. It's like I don't know if I can still trust people. I should have taken my own advice and not get swept up in the whole thing.

Too late for that now, isn't it?

I'm done.

Currently feeling: hurt

I got a birthday card from my grandparents It's a day early, but it was dated for March 4th, so it's fine.

"The most beautiful stones
have been tossed by the wind
and washed by the water
and polished to brilliance over time."

May your birthday
be as beautiful
as you have become.

A Very Happy Birthday to You!

I just got off the phone with them, thanking them for the card. They put some cash in the card, and my grandmother mentioned something about the amount not being that much. I wanted to burst out crying. After reading what the card said, I couldn't have cared if they put partly-used toilet paper inside. She sounded really happy though, that I had already gotten it.

They NEVER fail to cheer me up, and they NEVER fail to come when I need them the most, whether they know it or not. They NEVER fail to make me wonder how they could love me this much. And they NEVER fail to remind me that what's important is that they just do. And that's why I love them too

Currently watching: Pirates of the Caribbean
Currently feeling: loved

Sige, pag kasama ka naman,
Kitang-kita ko ang ating kasiyahan
Sige, wag na nating pigilan
At di magtatagal, tayo ay liligaya

Okey lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang, basta't kasama
Konting alak lang, kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan, naaalala
Di magtatagal, tayo ay liligaya

Sige, pagpatuloy niyo lang
Unti-unting lunudin sa kasiyahan
Sige, pagpasensiyahan na lang
Mga pumipigil sa ating ligaya

Okey lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang, basta't kasama
Konting alak lang, kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan, naaalala
Di magtatagal, tayo ay liligaya

New book, new book, new book! I saw Murakami's Kafka on the Shore propped up (almost tauntingly, to be perfectly honest) at the New Arrivals section of National Bookstore, priced at P1299.

At that moment, something tugged from inside my chest. There was this part of me that wished I hadn't bought a copy of Kill Bill Volume 2, as well as R.E.M.'s Around the Sun. Curse this habit of mine of not bringing extra cash with me.

Beautifully packaged, the book. Hardbound, for crying out loud. Since when did Murakamisan start putting out hardbound books? Getting a bit cocky, aren't we, Mr. Bigshot? (Hehehe!)

I haaaaaave to get that book. It's one of the things I am willing to fight (anyone) for. Let's see, who hasn't given me a birthday present yet . . .? *evil grin* Heehee . . .

Currently listening to: R.E.M.
Currently feeling: anxious

 My head huuuurts.  And yet here I am, in front of the pc, cytoplasm leaking from my brain cells due to the enormous mountain of writing assignments.

Had the WEIRDEST dream last night.  It made me wake up in the middle of the night wondering where I was, and at the same time re-enumerating the names of the people I knew.

Ok maybe it's overstating it a bit, saying that it was the weirdest dream, but it WAS pretty . . . ummm . . . something. 

Maybe I drank too much last night (no shit, dude).

Just something . . .

Currently feeling: ummm . . . blech

It's off to Singapore I go in exactly one week.  I am ITCHING to get on that plane.  I've found that leaving the country can give you the feeling of escaping from all the crap that you deal with here.  I've done it before, and it felt incredibly liberating. 

The down side, I would say, is that I'll only be staying in Singapore from the 23rd to the 27th.  Wish I could stay longer, but I'm heading off to Mindanao on the 30th anyway, and then to Boracay (probably) during the first week of April.  GOD, I hope it all pushes through.  I need to get out of here.  Too much going on, too much I have to deal with. 

Currently feeling: tired

Tito Guy (my drum instructor) has been telling me about how he wants me to jam with his band.  He's been continuously mentioning every week how cool that would be; plus, I'd get more exposure, which according to him, is what I really need. 

Just thinking about it is making me uneasy.  I mean sure, I've played in front of people, but that was a loooooong time ago.  I guess I'm just scared of the thought of making some mistake like missing the beat, or dropping my drumstick, or whatever else might happen. 

I've always been used to playing the drums alone.  I just play with them, literally.  I think the last time I played with anyone was a couple of months ago, and that was with my brother, during a Metallica phase.  And that was at home.  And there was just us then. 

But on a different tone, there's nothing like jamming with your brother, the two of you playing Enter Sandman at 4 in the afternoon while the people are getting ready to set up the church for mass next door (we live right beside a chapel, which doesn't do us any good since we're Protestants, and I can't remember the last time I've been to church).  After the Metallica part we just started draining the life out of our instruments, playing whatever came to mind.  I think we even did some Lenny Kravitz and Audioslave.  'Twas fun

We'll just have to wait and see regarding Tito Guy's jamming idea.  They're professionals, for God's sake.  I'm just a girl who gets drum lessons every Friday.  I appreciate the praises I've gotten from Tito Guy though   I guess it's good that not once have I disappointed him  

Still uneasy about the jamming idea though . . . :D 

Currently listening to: Joe Satriani (Electric Joe Satriani - An Anthology, Disc 1)
Currently feeling: relaxed

It's hours before we leave.  Can't wait to get out of here.  I've even gone to the website of the hotel we'll be staying in.  I approve

 I'll be sharing a room with my brother.  I wonder if these people will let us go on romps (hehehe) around the city on our own?  Fat chance of that happening.

I've been practicing extreme self-control for the past three days.  Anything it takes to convince them that should they get me an iPod Mini, they won't find themselves regretting it (lot of work to be done on my end for them to see past everything I've done this year).  Come oooon, we all agreed that they'll be getting me a birthday present during our trip.  And it's already the 24th for crying out loud, they're late by 20 days!  And since we'll get there at around 9 pm, they'll have to push it back ANOTHER day.  (Why am I whining, it's not like this is going to do anything )

Well anyway, the plane leaves at around 5 pm I think, so we'll have to be at the airport 3 hours before the departure time (as how it's always been).  I'll be getting ready in a bit, since we'll be leaving the house at 12.

Well, here's to a great time!  Since it'll only be 4 days, I've decided to see it as an educational trip instead of a vacation. 

To whoever is reading this, I'll see you when I get back! *huuuugs!*

Currently feeling: cheerful

Such a strong temptation to point blame at anything other than my own will.  In the speeding ticks of the seconds I am revisited by (or I revisit) his life, which is now left to me as a one-page space for words. 

It's been years, and I am surprised and horrified to discover that he holds me still.   And now here I go, tainting this journal with the one thing I swore never to backtrack to. 

Will I ever escape you? You've almost gone off the edge of my recollection, but say the word and I will run after your shadow and sleep in it. 

Currently listening to: Sige, 6 Cycle Mind
Currently feeling: depressed

 

From my travel journal

MARCH 24, 2005

Waiting

Another vacation Oh scratch that: an educational trip.  We're off to Singapore until the 27th.  We've been waiting here at the airport since about 2 PM (2 hours!).  We board at around 5:15

As always I choose to see this trip as an escape from all the bullshit I take here.  Not that it's anywhere near as bad as it was the last time, but hey, crap is crap.

My folks thought it would be a good idea for me to pick out a birthday present there. And believe me, I'm not complaining   I'm currently trying to be the biggest, most subtle suck-up on the face of the freaking planet just to get them to say yes to an iPod Mini   I think I'm doing a good job too   Let's just hope it's good enough.

I helped an old lady (a REALLY old lady) find the washroom, and while walking her to it I started talking to her.  She's on her way back to Honolulu (wow ) all by herself (WHAT?!). My eyes lit up and I told her I've always wanted to visit  Hawaii.  She told me about how she's lived there for 9 years, and that as long as you have a job, it's a great place to live

Well anyway, I'm hoping we board soon.  I can only smoke too many ciagrettes, and frankly, I'm starting to get bored.

On Board

We're about 2 hours into the flight.  God, the takeoff was incredible (as always).  I love the feeling of lifting off the ground and bulletting across the sky.  I think I can say that there's no other feeling like it.

They just finished showing the in-flight movie (The Incredibles).  I think they'll be showing the second Bridget Jones movie next.  Uhhh . . . no thanks . . .

We're not even at Singapore yet and already I feel securely separate from the problems I left behind.  Such a good feeling.  So damn liberating.  Considering the lack of help with regards to handling them, I guess that distance is good enough.   Don't get me wrong though, I acknowledge thefact that I have people who can help me forget these problems, but it's different from that one person who you know will go through anything just to make you feel secure. 

Hehehe . . . am I beginning to sound like I'm looking for a boyfriend?  Sounds like it, doesn't it?   Well, not really.  I guess all I'm saying is it'd be nice to have someone who you know will stand by you always; someone who sees you in a way unlike anybody else does.  Because I'd imagine that something like that ought to make you feel special, like you're different from everybody else, and it's that difference you have that makes you stand out. 

Well whatever it is I'm talking about (even I don't exactly know, hehehe!), I'm sure it'll come around one day.  For now, it's time for me to toughen up and pull myself through all this.

On second tought, I'll do that when I get back home.  Hehehe!

 

 

MARCH 25, 2005

Midnight

We've reached the hotel. I'm rooming with my brother, with whom, by the way, I almost had another row.  I wont' elaborate on it, since I don't want to start this whole thing off on the wrong note.

It's only been a couple of hours, and already I'm amazed by this place.  It's just so fucking CLEAN dude.  And the buildings are amazing. They come in practically all shapes and sizes.  There's even a performing arts center shaped like a pair of durians   I first saw it in the airplane magazine, and then again on our way to the hotel.  

Oh yeah, and the cabs here have the driver's seat on the right side!   I don't know if it's the same with all the other cars, but I think it is.

God.  Everybody should get to experience this.  As I was staring out the cab window with my eyes darting every which way, I couldn't help but wish that all the people I know were there with me.

Well, my brother's done with the shower (he's been switching for the past half hour from singing like a loon because he's loving this place, to screaming because the shower's blasting out incredibly hot water).  Guess it's my turn

Morning

It's still dark outside but already I've been up for an hour.  The drapes are still closed, my brother's still asleep, everything's dead quiet.  This early, before breakfast, I'm fully dressed with a cigarette in my hand. 

I'm pacing the room, trying to plan the day (and trying to plan a way to make everyone else go along with my agenda).  I'm getting incredibly restless, knowing that there's an entire COUNTRY outside my window waiting for me to explore it.  I have half a mind to go outside, get a cab, and go around the place myself.  The only things stopping me are the facts that (1) I don't speak a word of Chinese, and I canNOT for the life of me understand the Chinese trying to speak English; and (2) I get lost in my own neighborhood, what makes me think the same thing won't happen here?  

Well I guess since everyone won't be up for a couple of hours, I'll go and watch some Singaporean TV.  That ought to keep me at least a bit entertained.  They have the WEIRDEST shows here . . . 

Recounting [a long one]

GOD, what a day   Let me get right to it:

After breakfast we headed out ot grab a cable car that would take us straight to the famous Sentosa Island.  I was browsing the brochure and was hellbent on going to the Merlion, where you learn all about the creature that symbolizes Singapore.  We got to go, but I'm getting ahead of myself   Let me tell you about the cable cars first

I made it a point that we got the kind wiht the glass bottom.  The ride was incredible.  I've ridden on a cable care before, but that was more than 10 years ago, in Hong Kong.  To be able to experience it again was . . . wow I felt like I was flying.  and what made it better was how I could actually pretend that I WAS flying because of the glass bottom (and I kinda did).

We got to Sentosa and went straight to the Merlion.  What probably was the best thing about that particular attraction was how it lets you turn you r imagination loose.  It has these signs that have descriptions of different mythical creatures, each one in the form of rhyme.  They come across as chants, actually.  And at the end of the exhibit (which by the way had this eerie underwater feel), there aws this mini-theatre where they showed a cartoon about the Merlion and how it came to be the emblem of this country.  I found out about the story before, but I think I've forgotten how it went.  Anyway here's how the myth goes:

* 

There was this prince whose grandfather gave him a crown that was a representation of greatness beyond anyone's imagination.  There one day as the prince was running up a mountain trying to catch game, he spotted in the distance the most beautiful island he had ever seen.

"I must got and explore that magnificent land," the prince said [That was the actual line from the cartoon].

And so off he sailed with a crew of his trusted men.  But on their way, a storm came, threatening the lives of everyone on board.  Everyone feared for their safety, except for the prince who somehow knew just what to do: he removed his crown and threw it into the water as a gift to appease the god of the sea.  Upon his doing this, the storm ceased, and onwards they went.  

Theu landed on the island, but no sooner did their feet touch land when a huge lion came out, ready to attack.  The prince stepped up in order to do to the beast whatever had to be done.  He locked eyes with the lion and surprisingly, he felt this strange sensation of understanding between them.  And apparently, the lion felt the same connection, the same amount of respect, and went off.

And it was at that moment that the prince named the land Singapura (singa meaning "lion", pura meaning "sea".  And he took the image of the lion in nhonor of the great beast he encountered.  And the people's healthy relationship with the sea was what brough about the fish's tail.  this creature, the Merlion, now stands at the edge of the country as a protector of the people, as well as a welcome to whoever might visit.

*

So that was the Merlion, and afterwards we took a looooooooooong walk in the scorching sun (and hopped on a few buses) until we got to Underwater World, another island attraction.  My brother and I went inside while Mom and Dad waited by the exit.  I have to say, that experience surprised me.  I've bever been that awed by fish before

After that we took another cable car ride back to the place we came from.  It was INCREDIBLY hot, and it was under that heat that my folks decided to go to Orchard Road.  We got there, had lunch, browsed this bookstore (they have Kafka on the Shore), went back to the hotel, and then went to this place called Mustafa.  It was the Greenhills of Singapore, let me tell you.  I wasn't too keen on being there, mainly because there were too many people (you had to walk sideways almost the whole time), and (excuse me for this statement), the Indians stunk up the place.

The entire afternoont I was completely high-strung due to the thought of asking my Dad for an iPod Minin.  Well, funny thing:  I'll be getting one, but not after a month.  Let's just say that I have a lot more to prove to my Dad.  I'll leave it at that.  My mom told me she'll get me Kafka on the Shore though   And I saw an Ani Difranco album at the bookstore as well.  I think I'll get that too.  And after a month, I get an iPod Mini.  And everybody's happy.   We were driven back to the hotel by the coolest cab driver

During the last part of the day we had dinner with Dad's friend, Ricky Chee.  Kinda hard to understand anything he was saying, what with that accent (it's always been like that with him), but I kind of got around to doing it.  He was with his wife (with whom my mom chatted away the whole time), and two of their three kids (too bad their son TJ couldn't come . . . ) .  I guess I got along fine with their daughter.  We'll be seeing them again on Sunday. 

Aaaand that was my day.  JESUS, my hand hurts from all the writing . . .

 

 

MARCH 26, 2005

'Nother Morning

I just had breakfast and am now listening to Stratovarius.  Excelent band; excellent sound. I love the fusion of orchestra, choir, screaming guitars, and kick-ass drums.

We'll be going back to Orchard Road today, and then who knows what we'll be doing after.

Updates later.

[N.B.: Singaporean food is starting to have an effect on me . . .]

Breather

I'm at the hotel waiting for my DAd to call and tell us what to do next (that is SO unlike me).  My brother is in some kind of semi-coma, tired from all the walking we did.

I got a whole new outfit from Mango at Orchard Road.  After doing so, my "good girl" mission led me to tell my folks that I could wait a while for Kafka on the Shore and the Ani Difranco album (my Dad's coming back here in less than a month anyway).  Gotta keep things flowing smoothly! 

JV was right:  all the things I've done in the past WILL come back to me.  Oh well, I can get through that! This "good daughter"  thing is costing me, though.  Hehehe.

Our Last Night

As the title states, this is our last night here.  Awww   This place was starting to grow on me.  But I'm ready to go back to everyone I know back home.

My brother and I just finished packing, and are now lounging around, drinking sodas, smoking, and watching Troy (I was surprised to come across this movie on Singaporean TV, most of their shows are . . . blah).

I'm not going to do the whole "it's been a great trip" thing yet, I think I'll do that on the plane.  Tomorrow we'll meet up with Ricky and his family again, so I guess that's something to be written about.

 

 

MARCH 27, 2005

Morning Already?

It's our last morning here.  I'm at the moment watching a Discovery Channel show about Jamestown settlers and the 1610 life.  At the same time I'm trying to get my brother to get up and step in the shower (my God, I've already pushed him off the bed, and still he's motionless). 

Let it be time to have breakfast.  I don't know why, but I'm starting to get restless.

After Breakfast

Looks like we'll be heading to the airport from here.  Dad was here getting mad about random things (like what he always does when packing).

I hate the shirt I'm wearing,  it makes me look haggard. 

At the Airport

It's two hours before take-off.  God, I hate waiting for boarding. 

I'm sitting next to a Caucasian man about my Dad's age.  He seems to be travelling alone.  I'm thinking of striking up a conversation with him, but I'm sitting with my parents.  And for some reason, I've long made it a point not to show them the part of my personality that I show other people.  I think it's because I don't want them to see that I can be really friendly, because they might start thinking they can actually come up and start palling around with me.  And the thing is, truth be told, I have never been comfortable with them.

Distance, dude.  When it comes to me and my folks (especially my Mom), it's all about distance.  That's what we all try and remember.

Homeward

We're thousands of miles up in the air, on the way home.  As I write this I'm listening to the Mohicans, an album of Native American music.  I've always loved this type of music.  My brother's beside me flippin gthrough his copy of FHM, the Singaporean version *COUGHpervertCOUGH*   My mom's beside him, reading the newspaper.  My dad stayed behind and won't be home till Wednesday due to some urgent business stuff.

The view outside my window is beautiful.  It's no difrerent from the ones during every other plane ride I've been on, but damn, it never gets old.  It's like a planet made of clouds outside, with cloud-valleys, cloud-mountains, cloud-rainforests.  I love it when the plane cuts through them. 

I can no longer see if it's land or water we're flying over, that's how far up we are.  Darn, I wish it were possible for me to do this without the plane . . . *wink*

Well I think that this is the appropriate time to say it:  It's been a great trip. Singapore was like the clean, techno-amped version of the Philippines, with a few other elemebts that make it "uniquely Singapore".  Jesus, even the airport was cool.  And oh yeah, the cars were amazing.  BMW'S, Benzes, Puegots, and other similar cars littered the streets.

One thing I regret though is that all we did was shop.  Nothing wrong with shopping, everybody does it; but geez, taht's not the only thing you're supposed to do upon visiting another country, with a whole new culture waiting to be explored.  And actually, I kind of had the feeling that this was how the trip would be like (shop till you drop, literally), and that's why I made sure we got to go to the Merlion attraction.  There was no way that Singaporean cuisine was the only part of the culture I would indulge in (which I didn't that much even, since I'm dieting).  At least I'll get to take the Merlion story home withe me.

But I still can't help but feel a bit regretful of the fact that  aside from Sentosa Island, all we saw were the malls.  Sure they were great, to the point that they would put Greenbelt to shame, but well . . . let's just say that every time we would pay for something there would always be this feeling in me, like my subconscious was going "Wait, that's it?  No Chinatown, no Little india, no Night Safari?  We came here to explore the nooks and crannies of Gucci, Mango, Marks and Spencer, and the entirety of Orchard Road?"

Don't get  me wrong though, I'm not saying the past few days were a bust, because they weren't.  I just wish I took home something more than shopping bags and a story about the Merlion. 

As much as I didn't want to leave, I was starting to miss the people back home.  And now here I am on a plane, on my way back to them I'll be going wit JV to Eastwood tonight to help him film some stuff for his project (and then just hang out afterwards, I guess).  I can't think of a better way to spend my first day back home than hang out wiht the people I left behind   My God, is he going to laugh when I tel him about the iPod Mini story    

So here ends my Singapore log (damn!).  I'll be doing this again in less than a week, when we go to Mindanao.  I hope we get to do this again, but in  another country perhaps.   I wouldn't mind one in Europe, but I'd also love to go somewhere in Africa, or Egypt, or Spain, or anywhere that doesn't have that many malls

Currently feeling: relaxed

I'm going on another trip tomorrow, this time to my dad's home in Mindanao for my grandmother's birthday this Friday.  She'll be turning 85.  I have to say, that's pretty impressive.  But at the same time, my dad's words are suddenly coming to me, and they're starting to hit me pretty hard:  "Malay mo kung ga'no katagal nalang sya dito." 

I've never been that close with my grandmother (this one, anyway).  Maybe it's because I almost never see her, what with her living all the way in Agusan del Norte.  And every time she would come over for a visit, I would find it hard to bond with her, since she'd be really really quiet and she would almost never talk.  Everyone would be falling at her feet, giving her what she nees, but for some reason she would never really say anything that will start a conversation (not to me, anyway).  Maybe it's her way of dealing with the shock that the urban life (or an urban house, at least) gives her.

Anyway, I'm bothered by one tiny little thing regarding my flying to the province:  I haven't been back there in years, and I'm starting to feel like the rural setting has grown to be less agreeable with me now than it was back when I was. . . I don't know. . . 2 years old.  I remember when we went to Nueva Ecija a couple of months back.  I enjoyed the car trip, but as soon as I got there I knew that I wouldspend the whole day counting the hours until it was time to go home.  Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE nature.  But for some goddamn reason I find that I can't really take that much of the province.  Which leaves me confused.  I wouldn't mind going camping, or fishing, or trekking, or whitewater rafting; but I DO mind spending a couple of nights in a place with no computer, no air conditioner, no internet access, no . . . buildings.  I figure it's probably because while I view outdoor activites such as the ones I mentioned as forms of going back to nature, I view provincial life as a lack of civilization.

OK, I don't even know if any of that makes sense, and I wouldn't be surprised if this post got comments from people telling me that it doesn't.  But that's how it is with me, and I don't know why.

Well I guess it won't be that bad.  God, I feel like such a bad nature fan.  Maybe I could run with the excuse that it's summer and it'll be incredibly hot there, and dusty, and I'll feel all sticky and stuff. 

Wait, that's how I'd feel if I were to go camping.   

SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME  

Well whatever it is, maybe I'll get to find it out upon the things I'll be writing in my travel journal. 

Currently feeling: contemplative